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This week the Fort Worth City Council debated the definition of nudity in order to head off possible public outrage from the Cowtown location of Redneck Heaven. Not because it focuses with such grim detail on female breasts — rumor has it that straight boys and gay girls are fans of that particular feature — but because the statute all but ignores male nudity and a particular nether region straight girls and gay boys are so fond of.

Mark my words, one day soon a San Francisco-based restaurant chain called Sausage Party will open a franchise in our fair city. One of its top attractions will be buff and plucked male servers wearing nothing but nearly translucent mini-speedos. And what will the City Council do without rigorous guidelines a la the breast rules? When, exactly, does a barely covered John Thomas constitute nudity?

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Sound silly? But hey, to each their own. Fort Worth once again proves how completely out of it it really is. While the rest of the country contemplates Weiner, Fort Worth avoids it. Problem solved, Puritans.

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